TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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