does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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