I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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