Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
