whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
