Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
