Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
