Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
