omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
