This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
