They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
