i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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