Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
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90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
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As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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