im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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