if i can run in heels then i can drive
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
