every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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