Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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