Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
