I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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