Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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