my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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