There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
