I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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