I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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