Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
