I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
