and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.