I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
