I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
