Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
