I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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