On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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