i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
