Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
