Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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