WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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