I wish my penis had an off switch
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
