Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Randomize
