I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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