a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
