I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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