i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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