I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
