I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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