she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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