I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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