WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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