U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
