We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
