Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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