I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
