Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
