We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
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We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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